Friday, 22 April 2016

5 Years

5 years ago today I met you. 5 years ago today I could have sworn that you were the love of my life.

I knew from the moment that I saw you that I would love you. Your walls were built so high for everyone else but little by little I knocked down those bricks. It took me while I admit, and it was tough, I felt like I was working 24/7 to get the job done. I knew somewhere in there was a man who needed to be loved, a man who needed to love.

At first you showed me a love like never before, you lit up my world like nobody else had ever done. I put you on a pedestal and honestly to me, it felt like you were the best thing in the world.

What I realise now is that you never really gave me a chance did you, you never guided me in the right direction or helped me to love you the way that you needed to be loved. Yes, I blame you but I also blame myself for not seeing the bigger picture. But that is the problem with love isn't it.. It blinds you and you turn in to a desperate addict just trying to get the next fix of whatever it is your lover was giving.

You needed me to get over your heartbreak, you needed a distraction from your pain. I believed I could be the one that would heal you in such a way that you could love me unconditionally for the rest of your life. You used me and once you were healed you left a trail of destruction, smashing my heart in to so many pieces and I wondered if I would ever be able to piece it back together.

I tried to leave so many times and Oh god did it hurt. Every time I tried to walk away I just felt like the world was closing in on me, suffocating me until I could no longer live without you and I had to beg you to stay. How I wish I never begged you at all. You brought out the worst in me. You crushed my dreams so that you could live your own. You put me down so that you could feel great about yourself.

Let me tell you. when you finally left me I honestly wondered how I could live without you. I could barely breath or speak for the first part. The numbness of how you just cut me off from you without a care in the world, no explanation, you just left. You tried to apologise so many times after that, but we both know that wasn't for me, that was for yourself so you didn't have to feel so guilty about breaking me apart like that.

They say that we are broken because that is how the light gets in. Part of me believes this, would I have ever known that I wasn't really living my life if you didn't tear down my walls and smash my soul apart?

Somehow when I didn't think I would ever have the strength to go on without you, life showed me a different path. I learned how to do things on my own and I learned that life isn't all about loving someone else. Life is about loving yourself and knowing what you are worth.

Do you know that I completed two marathons when you were the one person that told me I would never complete a half? Do you remember knocking me down and telling me that I wasn't good enough to complete a marathon? Thank you for that. You gave me the strength and determination to complete them both and I have never felt so free.

I know you look at me and wonder if I mean it all, yes I do. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for tearing me apart and allowing me achieve the things I have always wanted. You let the light in and now I shine brighter than ever. I don't need somebody else to make me complete, I need to keep ticking off my dreams.

I loved you more than you will ever know but I also know that you came in to my life purely to give me a wake up call and to put life in to perspective. I continue to grow each day in to somebody that I could only dream of back in the days when you were crushing me.

Thank you. You made me a better person.

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