Friday, 12 September 2014

The first 365 Days.

So I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time, but I have never felt that I have the right things to say or anything interesting to say. Until today, when I realise I have changed as a person for the better, I am happy, I am free and I am living for myself.
Everybody at some point in their life goes through a terrible break up, weather it be when they're teenagers or weather they are 85 and the love of their life dies and leaves them behind to carry on living. But that's the thing, we all have to carry on living, we can't give up just because the one person that we thought made us who we are has deserted us. And that's what my first post is about, the first 365 days after somebody broke my heart.

We weren't happy, neither of us were, but  I never walked away because I had to prove everybody wrong, prove to everyone we were in love, prove that we were made for each other. Although deep down I knew we weren't and being honest with oneself is the most difficult thing anybody can ever be, truly honest with your soul. Eventually it all got too much and he left me, and took my heart with him, took my soul with him and took everything I had ever loved properly with him, or so I thought.

The first month was amazing, I had to cover up my pain, I had to hide the tears and tell everybody that I was ok. And I had to go on holiday. Finally after 3 years I was free to go on a holiday and not have anybody to worry about, anybody to upset. And I was happy. I went everywhere I could, anywhere the wind took me. I made new friends at work and spent my time out with them, I went out in the centre of London and began to truly enjoy myself. Until I got home, and the nights were long and cold and lonely. And I would dream that he was with me, I would dream we were together and we were happy and my heart was never broken. When I woke to go to work, the feeling sunk in, that I would not be the girl he would be kissing good morning, I would not be the girl he was kissing goodnight. My life was over - I would never feel this way again. And then it would start again, I would do something fun and the feeling went away. 

I found ways to suppress my unhappiness and I found temporary substitutes for feeling lonely but I never really found a way to be truly happy and  move on. 

One weekend I had a birthday event, a coupled birthday event. And I felt so alone I honestly wasn't sure I would make it though the weekend without going back to my car and driving home in a flood of tears. My friend brought her new boyfriend out and everybody else was happy with theirs, apart from me. And it was devastating, he should have been there with me, he should have been kissing me goodnight and holding my hand in the club, not letting other men look at me. But he wasn't, he was somewhere in the world, making another girl feel how he made me feel.

The months past and I honestly wondered why I did not feel any better. And I realised, it wasn't him that needed to change to make me happy, it was me. Me and me alone. How could I expect him to love me if i did know who I truly was. Instead of being the person I am inside, I was constantly trying to adapt myself to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I never understood that he needed to love me for me or not love me at all. But who wants to show their true colours knowing they won't be loved? 
Being yourself is the biggest fear in life, being yourself and being accepted for what you are. 

Over the past 365 days I have learned to love myself, I have learned to be happy and content alone. And I have learned most of all, to be selfish. To make decisions based on myself, to make decisions that make me happy. 

I have also learned to support others and make others feel wanted and worthy. Being positive towards others allows them to be positive towards you. 

Being positive towards other people and accepting them for who they are has made me feel happier and in turn has helped me to love myself and become the person I want to be. I no longer need him in my life to be happy, I no longer feel as if I need a male partner in my life to be happy. I am happy with friends and I am happy creating memories alone. 

A time will come when I do want to settle down, and I hope I never have to mend a broken heart again. But for now, I am continuing to learn different things about myself and learn different things about the world. Everybody experiences the pain of losing somebody they love, and some people take longer than others to heal. I know this has taken a long time to heal, and I honestly don't think I am truly healed, but I am happy and I am exploring and I am living not just being alive. 

Learn to love yourself and the world around you, wake up everyday and be thankful for all that you have, not unhappy for all that you have lost and I promise you, your heart that you thought would never mend, it will be whole again, it will be ready to love. 

365 of truly loving your life and all that you have in it, train your brain to be positive and your heart will become positive to. From the bottom of the rocks, to my head in the clouds. 

Learn to love the world again

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