Friday, 22 April 2016

5 Years

5 years ago today I met you. 5 years ago today I could have sworn that you were the love of my life.

I knew from the moment that I saw you that I would love you. Your walls were built so high for everyone else but little by little I knocked down those bricks. It took me while I admit, and it was tough, I felt like I was working 24/7 to get the job done. I knew somewhere in there was a man who needed to be loved, a man who needed to love.

At first you showed me a love like never before, you lit up my world like nobody else had ever done. I put you on a pedestal and honestly to me, it felt like you were the best thing in the world.

What I realise now is that you never really gave me a chance did you, you never guided me in the right direction or helped me to love you the way that you needed to be loved. Yes, I blame you but I also blame myself for not seeing the bigger picture. But that is the problem with love isn't it.. It blinds you and you turn in to a desperate addict just trying to get the next fix of whatever it is your lover was giving.

You needed me to get over your heartbreak, you needed a distraction from your pain. I believed I could be the one that would heal you in such a way that you could love me unconditionally for the rest of your life. You used me and once you were healed you left a trail of destruction, smashing my heart in to so many pieces and I wondered if I would ever be able to piece it back together.

I tried to leave so many times and Oh god did it hurt. Every time I tried to walk away I just felt like the world was closing in on me, suffocating me until I could no longer live without you and I had to beg you to stay. How I wish I never begged you at all. You brought out the worst in me. You crushed my dreams so that you could live your own. You put me down so that you could feel great about yourself.

Let me tell you. when you finally left me I honestly wondered how I could live without you. I could barely breath or speak for the first part. The numbness of how you just cut me off from you without a care in the world, no explanation, you just left. You tried to apologise so many times after that, but we both know that wasn't for me, that was for yourself so you didn't have to feel so guilty about breaking me apart like that.

They say that we are broken because that is how the light gets in. Part of me believes this, would I have ever known that I wasn't really living my life if you didn't tear down my walls and smash my soul apart?

Somehow when I didn't think I would ever have the strength to go on without you, life showed me a different path. I learned how to do things on my own and I learned that life isn't all about loving someone else. Life is about loving yourself and knowing what you are worth.

Do you know that I completed two marathons when you were the one person that told me I would never complete a half? Do you remember knocking me down and telling me that I wasn't good enough to complete a marathon? Thank you for that. You gave me the strength and determination to complete them both and I have never felt so free.

I know you look at me and wonder if I mean it all, yes I do. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for tearing me apart and allowing me achieve the things I have always wanted. You let the light in and now I shine brighter than ever. I don't need somebody else to make me complete, I need to keep ticking off my dreams.

I loved you more than you will ever know but I also know that you came in to my life purely to give me a wake up call and to put life in to perspective. I continue to grow each day in to somebody that I could only dream of back in the days when you were crushing me.

Thank you. You made me a better person.

Thursday, 3 March 2016


The world is too much for me today
Yes, it’s all too much,
Why does it work the way that it does?
Why does it turn in such a complicated way?
Am I wasting my life working for you?
The world is too much for me today
Yes, it's all too much,
Processing thoughts is just too tough,
the sounds of the world all around,
Thought’s whizzing round like a car out of control,
Do the good people get taken too soon?
Do we make our own destiny?
I guess we will never know.
Why can I not see the beauty of the world today?
Open your eyes, take a look,
The sun, the wind and the cold on your face,
The world is too much for me today,
Yes, it’s all too much.
Exploring, laughter and fun are absent right now,
Let go, just let go of this train of thought.
Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow will have another thought,
Breathe, relax and appreciate.
Nothing is permanent as the Buddha said,
take his advice, breathe in, breathe out and close your eyes,
Bring your mind back to resting state,
Be mindful and feel the bad,
If you don’t feel the bad how will you feel the good?
The world is too much for me today,
Yes, it’s all too much.
Close your eyes and remember;
Life can be amazing, mundane and sometimes awful,
but everything,
Happens for a reason,
Take the bad and feel it,
let it run, run straight through your veins,
and let it go,
fly away into the night.
Until next time,
the world is just too much for me.


Friday, 22 May 2015

10 Things I learnt through 26.2 miles..

I did it. I completed the Virgin London Marathon 2015 and I have the medal to prove it.

In all honesty, in the moments straight after crossing the finish line and having my medal placed around my neck - I wondered if the pain and struggle I had felt were worth it. 

After meeting up with family and friends at the finish line and swapping my sweaty trainers for my comfy flip flops and checking the damage on my feet - it's safe to say I know it was totally worth it!! The feeling I felt from achieving the one goal everybody told me I could never do is indescribable. Over three weeks later and I am still telling people about it, about the day, the crowd support etc. 


Everybody learns something during 26.2 miles. Here is what I personally learnt. 

1. Anybody can complete a marathon when they put their mind to it. Yes it's a physical challenge but you can train your body to become stronger and allow you take on physical challenges - it's your mind set that is tough to train. 

2.Nobody can prepare you for what your mind or body does on the day. It doesn't matter what you trained with, or how fit you feel, anything can happen on the day. Me and my friend had trained using Gels and they worked wonders but on the day I took one gel and thought I needed to throw up for around 6 miles. During our long runs I had trained my mind on what to do, and somehow it all changed as soon as I crossed the start line. 

3.It doesn't matter who you are, or how many marathons you have run, you need support throughout the journey. It helps massively when the people around you believe in you from the start, but if they don't  - all you can do is carry on training and prove them wrong. On the day all I could think about was the mile at which I would see my parents or my friends - the thought of knowing you are nearly there and will get a hug or a kiss of support is something that I will never forget. 

4. The general public, LOVE marathon day. The support from the crowds on the streets was phenomenal. From the people standing outside their front gardens in their pajamas with a cup of coffee in Chalton to the street parties with beer and vodka around Canary Wharf. I thank everybody. Without the crowds pushing me through I'm not sure I would have made it to the finish line.

5. You will hurt in places that you never knew existed but you will never love that pain more. When I crossed the finish line I could hardly move my legs one in front of the other but I still made it to the pub, I still wanted to celebrate with friends and the pain was forgotten about. The feelings of achievement and pride take over any pain. When I finally made it home and tried to get up the stairs, it took me around 10 minutes to make it up - the struggle was crazy, but the pain felt good. I knew why I was hurting.

6. You will have emotions that you didn't have before. These emotions start way before the day, they start on the day you have a bad run and your mind says that you can't do it, that you want to take the easy route out.(Giving up was never an option but sometimes you feel you would like to) The emotions pop up when you're walking around the Excel centre and you have your number in your hand. But the emotions on the day just start, I saw a fellow 'Tommy's' runner next to me, I had read his story and knew why he was running - the emotions just started all over again.

7.You think you may have lived the greatest day of your life - until the day you complete a Marathon. I did, I thought that I had lived one of the greatest days of my life, the days when you feel pure ecstasy, the days when you have indescribable feelings. Multiply this by infinity and you have the moment you cross the finish line.

8. When I was training somebody from my Tommy's team sent round an email with this advice..

'It doesn't matter about the time you finish in, all that matters is that you finish. The first thing someone will ask you is 'Did you do it?' and then they will ask you what time you did it in, no matter what time you tell them they will always follow it up with 'I could never do that''

This piece of advice is by far the best advice anyone ever gave me and the most true. I finished an hour slower than I would have hoped for but I still finished and people respect that. I still have the same medal as others that finished faster and we still covered the same amount of miles in the time that our bodies allowed us.

Time doesn't matter.

9. I actually enjoy running. throughout the whole of my training I have wondered why on earth I signed up to run 26.2 miles. I HATE running. I'm not a runner, I'm not an athlete.
Actually, I love running now, the Marathon gave me such a feeling that I couldn't wait to get back to it when I had recovered. I am constantly looking for other races to enter to improve my time and if I miss a couple of days without running I feel lost.

10. Post Marathon Blues do exist. Just the same as post holiday blues. They're real and they're up there with one of the worst feelings I have felt. After the congratulations and the celebrations, it's back to normal and everybody else is back to their everyday lives. Nobody is too bothered about your marathon after you've told them the basics. I have my achievement in my brain every single day - If I can do that, I can do anything.

26th April 2015

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

26.2 Reasons I am running the Virgin London Marathon 2015...

Every year 1000's of people cross the finish line on the Mall after running/jogging/walking 26.2 miles of the streets of London..

Every year I feel inspired by these people who put mind, body and spirit into completing this challenge.

This is the year I finally get to challenge myself, to complete 26.2 miles.  But why you ask? Why would anybody want to put their mind and body through that? Here are my reasons...

1. For my baby cousin Ciddy.

So he can be proud of me when he is old enough to understand, and so he knows how much he is loved.xx

2. For a sense of achievement 

It will be the biggest achievement for me, to date. I have never tried to push myself in this way before for anything and I will be wearing that medal round my neck with pride for all eternity.

3. For my parents

So my parents can see how much I have grown as a person and so they can be proud of me as I am of them. I love you both.xx

4. For self development

Because what is life if we don't try to challenge ourselves constantly?

5. To learn 

So I can learn things about myself that I would never have known if I didn't try. So I can learn my boundaries, I can learn my strengths and weaknesses and improve on these during the rest of my life.

6. For my friends 

I love to feel proud of my friends, I love to see them achieve things that they have dreamed of. And I only hope they feel the same way of me. I love you girls.xx

7. For Tommy's the baby charity 

And for other babies like Ciddy, for families who may not be as lucky to take their baby home and make them smile everyday. I am raising money for a charity that funds research into Miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth to one day stop the heartbreak of losing a child.

8. For Stacey 

A family friend who was sadly taken from us too soon, she gave life 100% and I have no doubt that she would have given this challenge 100% if she were faced with it - you inspire me every single day to pursue my dreams and I will be watching the sky when I cross the finish line and I know you will be there.

9. For life 

To celebrate living, to celebrate my health and abilities. So often we take for granted that we live and breathe when others never had the chance.

10. For the party

Because everyone deserves to party after running 26.2 right?  Pass me the bottle!!

11. For the person who broke my heart 

I can live an amazing life alone, I can grow as a person without somebody by my side. I accept what happened and I have no bitterness. I can achieve greatness alone. I am happier alone and I thank you with every ounce of my body for breaking my heart, without that I would never have been able to push myself through this. Attempting to live through the hardest thing I think I have ever been faced with - if I survived that, I can do this, I can do anything!!

12. For my health 

Because in November 2014 I couldn't run 0.2 miles without quitting. Now 3 miles doesn't feel enough, I always feel that I can go further.

13. For 2015 

Because 2015 has been the best year of my life so far, with so many other great things that why not add a great achievement in as well??

14. To feel my worth

To see how many people have supported me through this journey is such a huge feeling. From a £5 donation to a text of support, I thank every single person who has shown support through this. Anyone who can run a marathon without any support from friends and family must be invincible. Having somebody believe in you can push you such a long way.

15. To inspire 

If I inspire one person to get on their running shoes and get out for 10 minutes, I will be a very happy person. Running doesn't have to be a chore, it is very enjoyable once you learn how to enjoy it.

16. For everyone who ever doubted me 

I never saw myself as competitive, but when someone gives that look of disapproval, or 'how are YOU going to do that?' It makes me angry, everyone has the right to try. Everyone has different goals, abilities and boundaries in life. Its finding your own that is the way to live. I CAN DO THIS.

17. To be part of 0.72% 

Only 0.72% of the UK population can say they have completed a Marathon. Thats pretty impressive if you ask me!!

18. Because 'Can't' isn't an option 

The amount of people that have said to me 'I would never be able to do that' YES YOU CAN. If you put your mind towards it, anything is possible. I knew one day I would complete a marathon. I knew it would be tough, but there was never an option of 'can't'.

19. Because five and a half hours... 

When I first signed up to run the London Marathon, I just wanted to complete it. I had no idea how long it would take me. 6 hours was my limit, yes it's not fast but it's still completing it. And as my training has gone on and I have gone from strength to strength, I want to finish before 5:30 - 5:15 hours and five and a half hours out of my whole life, is NOTHING.

20. For the people that dream of walking.. 

So many people in the world can't walk, let alone run 26.2 miles. But those people, the ones that never complain, the ones that take life by the horns and carry out every task to 100%. I'm running for them people. The people that would do anything to be able to use their legs.

21. For the tears

Because I am going to cry. I am going to cry in pain when I feel like I can't take one more step, I am going to cry with absolute relief and happiness when I step over that finish line.

22. For the stories 

In 20 years time when I am laughing about all of the silly things I cried about THAT day.

23. For pleasure? 

What is pleasure if we don't experience pain? There is a theory that we cannot experience one without the other, which I strongly agree with. If we don't experience pain how are we supposed to know what pleasure feels like? And there is no better feeling that being on top of the world.

24. For the Calories 

The calories don't count after running 26.2 miles do they??? Do they?? Try and tell me I can't eat that burger and fries when i've finished.... Go on, I Dare You.

25. For the Buzz

When I was a teenager I volunteered and handed out water bottles at the London Marathon, Mile 25 when the runners were purely exhausted, but something carried them through.
Everyone has their own reasons for carrying on, but even though they were in so much pain, they were so exhausted, they carried on and they were buzzing, smiling, crying - just happy to be there. I want to be one of those people, thinking about each one of my reasons for every mile I cross.

26. For The Medal.... 

Because I love hanging random stuff from the walls in my bedroom and wouldn't it be nice to add a London Marathon 2015 Medal to my wall...?

.2    For the crazies... 

Because I think I am crazy, and I found a new love of life, I fell in love with living and how better to feel alive than to run 26.2 miles...???

If you would like to read more about why I chose to run for Tommy's please visit the link below and you can also donate to an amazing cause and support me in running 26.2 miles on Sunday.. you can follow the link below or text CIDR57 £5 70070 

Thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout this journey - you are all AMAZING.


Friday, 10 April 2015

Moments. Do we use them or lose them?

Waiting. Wishing. Dreaming. 

We are constantly wishing our lives away, waiting for a time to come when we will be happy. Monday comes and we feel rubbish, we wish the week away so that we can enjoy our weekends, we wish the months away so that we can go on holiday. We wish the years away so that we can save for a house. 

Why do we find it so hard to live in the moment? To truly enjoy what we are doing? Why do we find it so hard to go against the tide and do something we love? 

We live in a world where society believes that if you're single at 30 then there must be something wrong with you. If you haven't bought a house or started a family, you must be unsuccessful. Why can we not define success as the amount of moments that have truly taken our breath away? Define success by how happy we are as a person? Or how many experiences we can discuss and share with others around us?

Listening to somebody telling you about how much they bought their house for and how much their mortgage repayments is not as exciting as listening to someone tell you how they felt after jumping out of an aeroplane in Fiji, or getting in a shark cage in South Africa! Humans love to hear about experience and excitement, we get a buzz from listening to someone else shine with happiness.

The buzz you get from hearing someone tell you they finally tied themselves down to 25 years of repayments only to be sat at home for the entire time either watching shows on tv, barely affording to go out for dinner with their partner and watering house plants is utterly non-existent.

We discuss these things because society tells us that its the right thing to do, house prices fall - its on the news, its hard for first time buyers to get on the property ladder - its on the news. If a person spends their whole life travelling the globe and immersing themselves in culture, volunteering around the world to help others less able, it barely gets noticed by anybody.

 You know why? Because everybody else is too worried about paying the next payment on their house or car, and wishing the months away until they no longer have to pay that each month - only to find in 3 years time when the car is paid off that they decided to buy something else they can't afford.
Constantly thinking about the next item they want to buy. Never living in the moment. 

Next time you are by the Ocean, have a think about the moment, have a think about this post and ask yourself when was the last time I was in the moment? 

You see, the Ocean to me is so beautiful. It allows us to live in the present moment, it allows us to forget everything around us. When you're on the sand watching the waves coming in and out, you are allowing your senses to take in everything around you. The feel of the wind on your face, the burn of the sun on your skin, the smell of the water and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The moments feel infinite, as if you never lived anywhere else as if you are part of the Ocean, part of the waves, it makes you feel free.

My last post described the transition from being emotionally tied to someone and then becoming free and allowing yourself to live for you. And thats what I am doing, living for me, in every moment. Being present wherever I am.

Monday, 16 March 2015


Everyone falls in love, everyday of every week we fall in love.

We fall in love with people, food, clothes and the world. We can fall in love with life.

Love is a wonderful thing and without it in the world I don't believe we would find happiness.

But what happens when that love hurts you every single day of your life, every morning when you wake up? Is it still beautiful?  

  I like to think so. 

Love that hurts helps you to grow, it helps you to realise your boundaries and also how strong you are as a person. When love hurts you it helps you to gain perspective in your life and to make time for yourself and eventually after time, after the healing process - you feel free of the pain.

Do you know the exact moment in which you are free? Did you notice a change in yourself? Did you physically feel a weight lift from your body?

For the past 18 months I have felt trapped, restrained, hurt and suffocated by a love that I couldn't break away from. I couldn't even mention the name of this person without a gut wrenching feeling that I would never feel that way again. 

The moment you realise you are no longer in love with someone or something that will never work is the exact moment you want to shout from the rooftops and tell the world. 

I know the exact moment that this happened for me. 

Recently the magic happened, I feel free, released from a grip I never thought I could break away from. And it came after a full night of crying my heart out in to my pillow. After seeing him out for the first time in over a year, I didn't know how else to react - crying was the only thing my body would allow me to do. 

The tears, the pain, the heartache all of it came back to me and felt like it was taking over me. Physically as well as mentally I felt exhausted, but actually this was a good thing. I woke up feeling more free than ever. I woke up and knew for the final time that I was over it. 

I could speak about him without being angry, I could imagine him with another person and feel happy for him and I could finally get on with my life without worrying about feeling hurt. 

When you finally move forward with life, you don't just forget. And I don't want to forget. I want to live with the things that I have learned and use them everyday in my life. 

Moving on and 'getting over' something or someone means that you no longer feel bitter or angry. You feel content and free. 

Fall in love with yourself. Fall in love with the world. Fall in love with life. 

Monday, 9 March 2015


Today I walked past a homeless guy on Oxford Street.  

Today I realised that we are all in this together. 

Today I decided to try and inspire you to help. 

I walked past a guy on the street with a sign that clearly said he was an ex-serviceman. Putting this in perspective, this guy served our country.  He served his Queen. He protected us. He protected your children. 
All he had was a sleeping bag and one other small bag with him, his whole life spread around him in the doorway of Primark, in one of the busiest places in the UK. So why did nobody help him? Why did nobody even stop to say hello? 

I first walked past this guy two weeks ago when I did the same as every other person on the street, I walked on by and gave him an awkward sympathetic smile. This in ways maybe much worse than just plainly ignoring him - he doesn't need my sympathy, he doesn't need me pity. He needs my help, our help. 
The biggest fear in all human beings is rejection, and rejection is the reason I offered him nothing before today. Every time I tried to offer him lunch or tried to speak to him before I got there my mind would always find the fear of him saying no. 


He is trying to survive Every Single Day, trying to eat, trying to sleep. 

He doesn't know when his next meal will be, he hasn't got a home that he can go to in the evenings to keep warm and curl up on the sofa with a nice hot cup of tea and a biscuit. He doesn't know where he will lay his head tonight to sleep or the next time he will be able to take a warm shower or even see a friendly face. All of these things that we take for granted Every Single Day. 

Today I conquered the stupid fear of rejection and I asked him if he would like some lunch. Immediately he said Yes Please that would be great. 

The smile on his face was heartwarming and all I had done was offered to buy him a meal from McDonald's - something which we take for granted all of the time! When I asked him to choose something from the menu - he wouldn't. He told me that I was buying it so I should choose - I assume this is because he didn't want to be rude and ask for too much?! What is too much?  For me £6.00 for a meal with a hot drink and a bottle of water is never too much. Especially to see someone so happy, so grateful. 

Why do we believe that we are better than homeless people? Why do we believe that we are better than people that are on a different path of discovery to us? Why does driving around in a Mercedes make him any better than the guy on the bus? 

Objects and 'stuff' do not make us better than others around us, we are all in this together. We are all trying to do the best we can to live the life we want and be happy. But we should never forget that everything that we own could be ripped away from us in a second. 

What would you be worth? What would you have given the world? Who have you helped that could repay the favour? 

Or have you been too wrapped up in your own life to realise that everybody needs a helping hand from time to time. 

If anybody who reads this post can think about it next time they see somebody sleeping rough on the streets - put yourself in their shoes. Just think about the everyday things that you take for granted.
Buy someone one the streets a meal, sit and speak to them for half an hour if you really don't want to buy them anything - but don't just ignore them. 

I was already in a rush when I stopped to buy lunch for him, but next time when I see him I will make sure I say hello and ask some questions, speak to him. Everybody deserves friendship. 

Please try and help others out - we all need to work together to make the world and safer and nicer place for us all to live. 

You can donate now to Shelter or Crisis  if you are in the UK and it only takes 2 minutes out of 1440 minutes in your day.

If everybody who reads this post donates £5 to one of the charities I have listed - the world will be a much happier place for people sleeping rough. 

In 2014  2,744 people slept rough on any one night - lets help fight homelessness. Give someone a home, give someone your Time. Time is more valuable than anything else will ever be. 

Be Kind. 

Pay it forward. 

Make someone smile. 

Don't wait.