Monday, 22 September 2014

Can people change?

People never change.I have always been told that people never change and it has been my life moto when my friends have relationship issues and can't decide if they should stay in a dire relationship with a guy that doesn't treat them right. I think its time I swallow my pride and admit that I could be wrong - Here's why.

I have changed, a lot. I am calmer, I am nicer, I am less judgemental and I honestly don't know why or how this happened. I didn't wake up one day and become a Saint and I am still not a Saint but I can tell you - I like the new person I have become. Have you ever met someone and wished you could be like them? Wished you could be so calm and so nice to other people? You can. It starts now.

Exactly one year ago I told myself that I would do things for me and save money to travel the world and stop doing things to please everyone around me. But I didn't do that, I was too busy going out wasting money on utterly pointless things - mostly alcohol or stuff. Stuff that I didn't need, stuff that just sat in my room doing nothing. Until the day I decided it all needed to go.
I used to think I enjoyed standing in clubs with my friends getting as drunk as we possibly could and essentially making fools of ourselves; maybe I did but I never felt that sense of fulfilment that I feel now. I can't remember the last time I did something that I didn't want to do or the last time I went to a club and drunk copious amounts of alcohol.

Instead now - my days are filled with pushing myself to learn new things, I have visited more museums in the last month than I think I ever have before. The feeling I get from visiting a museum or an exhibition gives me a buzz - I've learned something new - I have new knowledge about a subject I knew nothing about previously. I write draft posts, ideas and previously published posts for my blog and I set myself goals each week of how many page views I would love to get. Although I have no subscribers or followers for my Blog - I am enjoying writing and hope that there will be people in the future that enjoy reading what I write about.
I spend more time than ever with my family as previously mentioned in another post, and this is so much more fulfilling that spending time with people that will never understand me.

A little bit about me.. 

During my school years I felt that being popular was the most important part of school - as long a everybody knew my name I was happy. I was never the most popular kid at school but I think I was quite high up there with a name that people knew. I remember thinking that I would never want to be one of the quiet ones that do their work on time and get top grades - I would always rather have been a middle ground - clever but popular. I was never stupid by any means but I never fulfilled my full potential and I had other things to concentrate on beside my work. 

Being a teenager is a constant battle to fit in and to fit in you had to put yourself at the top of the chain, and to be at the top of the chain you had to belittle the people around you. I know I was a bully - not all the time but majority of the time I probably belittled somebody in my class - which looking back now is awful and rather cowardly of me. I should have worked with these people and learned from them - not pushed them down in to a world where they did not want to go to school. The bottom line is - I wasn't a very nice person and I always found a way to make someone scared of me -  but in reality I'm softer that your bathroom baby powder.

You see, I think people really can change, maybe its called growing up and becoming the person you want to be. I have changed so much for the better and I really enjoy the life I have.

Although my friends would say that I am boring now because I don't want to go out drinking every weekend or go clubbing, but they don't realise that I have changed and I am happy. My dreams are almost in the palm of my hand and I won't let them go - my dream of travelling may be the main reason that I have changed or maybe I am fed up with small talk all of the time. I know there is more to life than the small town I live in - there is more to life than the four friends I have.

I think we all spend too much time worrying about being lonely but it actually prevents us from enjoying the life we want to live and being the person we want to be. There is so much pressure from the people around us to be what they want us to be and it is hard to change the person we are and hard to adapt but if changing means you'll be a happier person then you should try. There is more to life than clubs and alcohol - there is a whole world out there - go and enjoy it.

Be yourself, it can make you much happier. See the world through somebody else's eyes and learn as much as you can. Change for the better.

See the world through someone else's eyes. 

Sunday, 14 September 2014

When are you going to meet someone...?

Has your Nan ever said to you 'When are you going to meet someone?' ?
When you hear those words you just want to scream from the top of your voice that being in a relationship is not the only thing in the world? That you can cope alone and you're enjoying your freedom? That you don't have to consider anybody else when making decisions? And you can dip as many biscuits in your tea after your dinner without somebody giving you the 'look' as if your waist band is going to snap at any minute?

Biscuits - The friend of all emotions

I think we have all been there, you split up with your partner and everybody around you is already talking about when you will meet the next one, or where to meet the next one. Without a doubt, they will already be planning your wedding without you or a partner.
The more time that passes the more that the people around you begin to assume that there must be something wrong with you or you must be gay. Your mum has her friends round for tea and they discuss whether you have a partner of the same sex or who you must or must not be sleeping with if you're not in a relationship. Even your friends cant understand why you don't want a boyfriend, and to be quite honest neither can you.

My Life in Love.

I will give you a little bit of history from my life in love. When I was younger I never remember being bothered about having a boyfriend. I honestly found that bike riding and climbing trees was more my thing (Me and two friends didn't give our BMX bikes up until we were 18!) and we were always the ones getting dirty in the park every weekend with the boys.

My first boyfriend came at the age of 16. I remember him pestering me for so long that he wanted to spend time with me and really liked my company etc. and my words were 'Please don't carry on because I really don't want a boyfriend'. I am assuming somewhere somebody has said that love develops and I believe them to be right in one way. I grew to love this person, a lot. We became best friends - we did everything together. It wasn't perfect, of course it wasn't otherwise it would have lasted, but we were both very young and we needed to grow in our own way. But he was my first boyfriend and we both believed it to be serious, three years is pretty serious at such a young age. It eventually came to an end, and not in a bitter way - we just grew apart as different people.

After we split I met somebody pretty much instantly and they took over the next 3 years of my life. That's six long years in a relationship during the most important years of my life - during my growing and developing time. During the time that I should define who I really am. I don't regret the time we spent together and I don't regret letting my friends go (I am lucky enough to have friends that took me back afterwards) - I believe that everything happens for a reason.


During some drinks and a life chat with Davina* whom I had just met, she said to me that she envied me and how I could do anything that I wanted to right now. I have the world at my feet and nobody to answer to. Although I told her everybody is in the same situation Davina explained to me how she had been offered a 6 month post in Spain but her partner had told her that if she decided to take it, he didn't think he could wait for her to come home. Needless to say she didn't take the job.

Now my feelings and my actions for this completely contradict themselves because my head tells me that I wouldn't let anybody dictate to me what I did with my life but my heart used to say the opposite.  During my second long term relationship I told my boyfriend that I wanted to travel the world, to see as much as I could and I would be gone for at least 12 months. He didn't like that at all and told me that we may as well just end the relationship now if that is what I wanted, so instead of chasing my dreams I squished them to the back of my mind so they were almost non-existent. Although I tried to forget about my dream, every now and again it would haunt me, it would unexpectedly pop up and make me question what I was doing with my life. Have you ever put your life dreams on hold to please somebody else? Or out of fear of losing the person you love the most? 

I would love to say that nobody would ever hold me back from fulfilling my dreams and living the life I desire but if I am honest, I'm not sure I am strong enough to do that. When you're with somebody and you think you're happy and you think you love them - you would do anything to keep them by your side wouldn't you? 

When you realise your full potential when not being in a relationship, you begin to accomplish more. Your time is filled with the people that matter the most. I spend more time with my family than I ever have before - and I appreciate them more than ever. Sometimes when you are in a relationship you focus all your energy on that one person and you forget about the people that matter the most. 

But the point of this post was to answer the question of 'When are you going to meet someone?' My answer to the question - I don't know. 

I don't know because right now because I am happier than I have ever been. My mindset is changing, my life goals are changing and I am on the right path to fulfil my dreams. 

I can be happy without being in a relationship and I do believe that the older generation need to understand that life isn't only about finding someone to spend your time with and have children. There is a whole world out there to explore and we should aim to learn as much as we can about it before we leave it behind. 

I have learned to love being on my own. And you should try. It is liberating and it brings peace to you and we need more of that in the world. 

Friday, 12 September 2014

The first 365 Days.

So I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time, but I have never felt that I have the right things to say or anything interesting to say. Until today, when I realise I have changed as a person for the better, I am happy, I am free and I am living for myself.
Everybody at some point in their life goes through a terrible break up, weather it be when they're teenagers or weather they are 85 and the love of their life dies and leaves them behind to carry on living. But that's the thing, we all have to carry on living, we can't give up just because the one person that we thought made us who we are has deserted us. And that's what my first post is about, the first 365 days after somebody broke my heart.

We weren't happy, neither of us were, but  I never walked away because I had to prove everybody wrong, prove to everyone we were in love, prove that we were made for each other. Although deep down I knew we weren't and being honest with oneself is the most difficult thing anybody can ever be, truly honest with your soul. Eventually it all got too much and he left me, and took my heart with him, took my soul with him and took everything I had ever loved properly with him, or so I thought.

The first month was amazing, I had to cover up my pain, I had to hide the tears and tell everybody that I was ok. And I had to go on holiday. Finally after 3 years I was free to go on a holiday and not have anybody to worry about, anybody to upset. And I was happy. I went everywhere I could, anywhere the wind took me. I made new friends at work and spent my time out with them, I went out in the centre of London and began to truly enjoy myself. Until I got home, and the nights were long and cold and lonely. And I would dream that he was with me, I would dream we were together and we were happy and my heart was never broken. When I woke to go to work, the feeling sunk in, that I would not be the girl he would be kissing good morning, I would not be the girl he was kissing goodnight. My life was over - I would never feel this way again. And then it would start again, I would do something fun and the feeling went away. 

I found ways to suppress my unhappiness and I found temporary substitutes for feeling lonely but I never really found a way to be truly happy and  move on. 

One weekend I had a birthday event, a coupled birthday event. And I felt so alone I honestly wasn't sure I would make it though the weekend without going back to my car and driving home in a flood of tears. My friend brought her new boyfriend out and everybody else was happy with theirs, apart from me. And it was devastating, he should have been there with me, he should have been kissing me goodnight and holding my hand in the club, not letting other men look at me. But he wasn't, he was somewhere in the world, making another girl feel how he made me feel.

The months past and I honestly wondered why I did not feel any better. And I realised, it wasn't him that needed to change to make me happy, it was me. Me and me alone. How could I expect him to love me if i did know who I truly was. Instead of being the person I am inside, I was constantly trying to adapt myself to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I never understood that he needed to love me for me or not love me at all. But who wants to show their true colours knowing they won't be loved? 
Being yourself is the biggest fear in life, being yourself and being accepted for what you are. 

Over the past 365 days I have learned to love myself, I have learned to be happy and content alone. And I have learned most of all, to be selfish. To make decisions based on myself, to make decisions that make me happy. 

I have also learned to support others and make others feel wanted and worthy. Being positive towards others allows them to be positive towards you. 

Being positive towards other people and accepting them for who they are has made me feel happier and in turn has helped me to love myself and become the person I want to be. I no longer need him in my life to be happy, I no longer feel as if I need a male partner in my life to be happy. I am happy with friends and I am happy creating memories alone. 

A time will come when I do want to settle down, and I hope I never have to mend a broken heart again. But for now, I am continuing to learn different things about myself and learn different things about the world. Everybody experiences the pain of losing somebody they love, and some people take longer than others to heal. I know this has taken a long time to heal, and I honestly don't think I am truly healed, but I am happy and I am exploring and I am living not just being alive. 

Learn to love yourself and the world around you, wake up everyday and be thankful for all that you have, not unhappy for all that you have lost and I promise you, your heart that you thought would never mend, it will be whole again, it will be ready to love. 

365 of truly loving your life and all that you have in it, train your brain to be positive and your heart will become positive to. From the bottom of the rocks, to my head in the clouds. 

Learn to love the world again

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Lonely VS Alone?

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”- Robin Williams as Lance Clayton in World’s Greatest Dad (2009)

With the recent devastating news of Robin Williams this quote has been flooding social media for all to think about. Was Robin Williams right in his quote about loneliness? 

Firstly being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Many times when I was a child, I would see an older man sitting having coffee or lunch alone and would automatically assume he was lonely. Thoughts that ran through my mind during those moments - 'His wife has just died and he has no friends' 'He probably has no children or they don't bother with him' 'I will never let my dad have lunch alone'. 

But the things I never thought about. 'He has just spent all morning with his grandchildren, playing in the garden and wants five minutes to unwind' 'He enjoys his own company and wants some quiet time to read his paper'. I always assumed that people that were on their own, were lonely. 

Until now, when I learned to love being alone and I never feel lonely. Up until recently I have always filled my time with other people, made sure I always had some social activity to fulfil so I didn't end up alone but I was bored, my days were filled with the same conversations, the same day to day activities. I didn't like eating my lunch alone and I would never go anywhere alone. But now, I am trying it out. 

My first steps were to have lunch alone, and by alone I mean in a room for one hour with no social network and no phone. How many people do that these days? How many people go anywhere without a phone? 
Eating lunch on my own without a phone has become my relaxation time, my time to chill out with no social networks, no messaging, no human contact, just me and a small room. You should try it, just switch your phone off for a day and see how many 'important' messages or phone calls you miss. I can tell you, not many. Have you ever thought about your priorities? Ignoring the person thats right in front of you because you're messaging or commenting on someone status? We live in a world where nobody is ever truly alone because we constantly have social networks to speak to. 

Have you ever been in a room full of people but felt totally lonely? We have all heard that expression, and we have probably all asked ourselves this question a 1000 times. Why is it that I am standing here with these people but I feel like I am alone? Is it because they don't understand me? Do we have nothing in common? 
The difference between being alone and being lonely is so small its hard to differentiate. 

I knew somebody that said they enjoyed their own company and enjoyed being alone but then constantly claimed they were lonely. How can you enjoy being alone but feel lonely? If you enjoy being alone then surely you don't feel lonely? Somewhere something wasn't right with what this person was telling me. And after extensive research online and a lot of Blogs later I came to realise that this person didn't enjoy being alone, they enjoyed being away from people that did not comfort them. for example, I did not comfort this person, I did not give them the attention they craved so much which was making them feel lonely. 

Some people genuinely enjoy their own company and being alone and some people constantly yearn for someone to be near them. But surely the person that stops them feeling lonely will eventually leave and they will forever be in this lonely cycle? 

To experience things alone means that those experiences were not as great? This question is very vague, some things you have to experience with others, they are created to experience with others, But most things are here for us to learn and weather that means doing them alone or doing them with someone else the experience remains the same. 

My next Post will be about experiencing an exhibition alone. Having never been somewhere alone before, I am very much looking forward to experiencing the freedom of doing my own thing for the whole day, this is very daunting but I am feeling positive. 

I will write to say how my experience was, but for now, try being alone for a day. Leave that phone at home and be alone. Find a positive state of mind and enjoy your own company. You will be surprised at how much you learn about yourself and how many different subjects you find interesting. 

Just because I am eating my lunch alone, it doesn't mean I am lonely. Don't end up with people that make you feel alone, go out and meet people that make your life feel full. 

I do believe Robin's quote was correct. It is worse to end up with people that make you feel all alone because it creates sadness which in turn creates lonliness. 

Learn to Love Being Alone.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

How to enjoy your own company and love being alone.

So in my last post I said I would be going to an exhibition on my own and spending the day alone. But how were my first steps to enjoying something alone? 

Scary, thats the truth. Scary as hell. I set my alarm for 8am, which allowed me enough time to get up and be on the train with enough time to cycle from London Charing Cross to Kensington on a Boris Bike (My new found love). 

Cycling In London is surprisingly relaxing in London.  (Hyde Park) 

When I woke up I had so many options, go back to sleep and stay in bed all day watching Netflix. Do the weekly shopping with mum. Visit my nan for the day. All of these were just so that I did not have to go out alone and not enjoy myself. But I knew I had to do it, if I can't even get on a train to London on my own, how am I ever going to fly to the other side of the world alone? (Yes, travelling the world is my dream - but more about that another day). 

Sitting on the train on the way in to London was awfully nerve wracking, what if people thought I was weird by going alone? What if I don't enjoy it? What if I cant find it? I do that same journey alone every single day to work, but today was different, I knew I would be alone all day. 

Once on my Boris Bike, I looked up the route on my phone to the exhibition and enjoyed cycling my way through the streets of London. Stopping whenever I felt I needed to, or whenever I wanted to take a photograph or just sit and admire the beautiful city that I live in. And I realised, being alone was relaxing, it was liberating and mostly it was teaching me a lot about myself. I never live in the moment or admire the beauty of the world around me, I just carry on with tomorrows that never come. My life is a constant tomorrow and being alone taught me to live in the moment, to just live. 

The exhibition was amazing, really really enjoyable. It has finished for this year but keep an eye out for the Travel Photographer of the Year Awards for 2015. And even enter at if you feel you have the right photograph. 

Four of the pictures that caught my eye the most. 
What this day taught me the most though, is that people do not care what you did today, what you saw, who you did it with or how it made you feel. People are interested in themselves. Nobody cared what I had seen or how much of a big step it was for me to do this alone, So I didn't make anybody listen to the story that they didn't want to hear.  

But I did learn that in order for people to find you interesting, you don't need to tell them about what you did last weekend or how many beers you had at that house party, you need to listen. Listen to what they have to say - be generally interested and let them speak about themselves. Do you not think that the ones you like the most are the ones that listen to you, the ones that let you tell them your story and they listen?

Try it, just for a week and if successful try a month. Try listening to the people around you don't be the one constantly talking, constantly changing the subject. Just listen and in response to a story you are listening to or a problem you are trying to solve, ask the person a question to dig deeper into them and learn more about them.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to 

live forever.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

This quote is one I read today online and it really stuck in my mind. If you were going to live forever, wouldn't you want to know as much a possible? If you have to go alone, Do so, and enjoy it. 

But the real question in this post is 'Did I feel lonely going out alone?' 

The answer is no, it was liberating, relaxing and most of all it was a learning curve. Try it out, spend time alone, visit the museum you have always wanted to see, do the white water rafting your other half won't do with you and your friends can't afford.

 You yourself have one life, your own life to live. Stop living other people's lives and start living your own. I'm not saying to drop your friends and do everything alone, because that would become lonely. But if there is something you want to do and nobody wants to go with you - don't be afraid to go alone. You only have one chance to do everything you want to do and you never know when tomorrow may never come.  

Learn to love yourself, Learn to love being alone. Learn to Love the world.